Current mood:	sad
Current music:	"lost someone" - cat power
Entry tags:	insideout

LOST SOMEONE
I wish I could write you about the wonderful time I'm having around here. Tell you about the nice places I've been into, the nice job I got, the wonderful people I met and the wild sex I had last night. Most of all, I wish I could write you about this joyful sensation that is to be free again. But I just can't. Because the truth is everything looks empty since you've been gone - and it feels to me that I lost the most solid pole I had in my life; a pole I didn't even know it was there, but that is hard to avoid and pretend that never existed. As you see, I am not fine. I kinda lost the pleasure I had in writing and singing - and I can barely concentrate myself into reading. At work people are still collecting signatures against me and for the first month this year, I'm not going to travel. I lost my cell phone, my keys, my passwords... In other words, I lost the self I no loger am. And life isn't make it easy so I won't give up on "her". Every single day is like a probation. It is painful to open my eyes and pretend that eventually, just like the song, every little thing is gonna be all right. I feel like I'm giving up again. And that doesn't mean I'm doing nothing but bitching. On the opposite, for months now I've been trying to start a revolution. I've been trying to figure it out who am I and what the hell do I want from life, by working, travelling, partying and all the bad things that comes along with it. I really tried to find life in my life, but I have failed big time on that and now it makes me realize how devastated I still am. How I wish things to be different. How I miss that pure, simple happiness that was taken from me. Or maybe the happiness I threw away like I always do. I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been. All I know is that something always brings me back to you - and it's killing me each day more. Because I can't plan the future by the past. Because I can't go forward and even less step back. Because it doesn't matter how hard you try to make the most of it, how hard you try to be someone else, you will always end up being your plain, hard-to-please, depressive, broken, lonely, lost self. And it is very sad missing someone like that.